Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
