I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
