Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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