Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
