You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
