oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
