I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
