Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
