hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
