I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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