He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
