I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
