I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
