please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
