It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
