you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
