just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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