I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So here I am, sexting at work.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
