That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
