i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
