I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
