If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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