Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
