the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
As shirtless as possible
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
