i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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