Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
