I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
