if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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