If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
My feet surprised me
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