There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
