Umm I'm too high to move.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
