i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
