It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
