love makes seman taste better
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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