i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
