does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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