You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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