Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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