I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I have post one night stand depression
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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