took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
