that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
