last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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