I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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