At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
