The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
its liver damage thursday
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
