Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
