Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
