just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
