i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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