He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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