The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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