If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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