Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
